Dear Diary
by icerelief2004
Summary: Hermione writes in her diary a few years after the end of the war. In her silence, she tells her story.


People say that time flies when you're having fun. The funny thing is I'm not having any fun. Time for me is flying because I talk all day without saying a word. The doctors told me I should write out my feelings instead of keeping them all inside. They said that it's bad for me. They're idiots.

What's bad for me is the loss of my family, my friends… How does one deal with such loss? To lose them was to lose myself. And that's exactly what happened.

As a diary, you wouldn't understand anything I'm talking about and the best part is, is you can't pass judgment on me like they have. They think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Let me explain…

Three years ago was the last battle. Now that I think about it, three years ago this day, October 31, 1997. We had been fighting just to make it through each day before He found us. He found us, and he killed them all. Now, the world has gone to hell. Well, at least the magical world. The muggle world knows nothing of it and I can't say anything about it. I know there are dark wizards watching me, making sure I don't say anything to anyone. I won't. I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't. I wouldn't know how to tell them my story. That's why you're here. They know I'm keeping something from them so I'll tell you. They can't hear what I'm screaming silently all day, everyday.

After the atrocities I saw that day, I haven't been able to say one word, cry one tear. I was found wandering around, covered in blood. There wasn't any blood on me that was my own. He made sure of it. And just my luck, the first place I'm taken to is a hospital. Since none of the blood belonged anyone else the hospital officials locked me up. Funny feeling…being locked up with no one to know you're there, no one to come and see you. But then again, anyone who would come is dead. So that's where you come in. I'll tell you what bit of the story I can. You see, some things just can't be explained without saying it out loud. Other things just have to be experienced. But some things can be written. I won't write about my life or about what happened that day. Instead, I'll just tell you about the good things. I'll tell you about Ginny, Harry, and Ron. Ron…I miss him. I'll tell you about him.

Ron annoyed me to no extent. He was always making me feel bad. Harry was usually on his side. Ginny was usually on mine. But Ginny was with Harry so they were caught in the middle.

At school, things would be bad then gradually get better. He finally figured out that I could hold my own against him. In our 7th year of school, he finally figured out what all of us already knew. You know what people say about a boy picking on a girl- probably means he likes her. He liked me. But that didn't change much. Well, until Ginny came up with this ingenious plan to make him really jealous. I wrote Viktor and started talking about him as if we were getting together. Of course, Ron fell for it. It was the happiest and most frustrating day of my life.

I wouldn't change a moment of it.

Hmm…I wish things were back to the way they used to be when they were still alive. And yet, fate is a cruel mistress with agony on its side.

I loved Ron Weasley with all my heart, body and soul. And as dramatic as that sounds, it's true. He is the keeper of my heart, the only person I'd let touch my body in the most intimate of ways, and my soul rose with his above the battle grounds when his body fell. He owned me completely as I owned him. But that doesn't do me any good right now does it?

I take that back. It gives me peace to know that his face will be the first I'll see after so long. Three years may not seem long to you, dear diary, however, it has been agonizing for me. A lifetime of pain in a few years. Then I will see everyone again.

I can't wait.

Harry was my brother. Forget blood. I've seen, tasted, been covered in so much of that vile crimson liquid that it's purpose usually escapes me. So it didn't matter that he wasn't **biologically** my brother. Who cared? We only had our friends at that time to rely on. Who better than the people you call family?

But in the end, it is that **family** that can hurt us the worst. They should change that old saying about keeping friends close, enemies closer. They should say keep your family closest because no one can hurt you more than them. They can rip you apart like no other. With my family's death, Ron, Ginny, Harry, and so many others… well, let's just say I'm surprise the people of this institute can see me whole. I'm torn in so many pieces, ripped to shreds by their absence…Whole…sure.

But Harry, Harry was there. He very rarely abandoned me and when he did, it was usually because Ron and I were fighting and he didn't want to lose Ron. But when I really needed him, differences aside, he was there. We, the three of us until Ginny joined us, spent so much time together. Me usually nagging them about their school work or summer work, them usually mocking me behind my back. But it was fine…I knew they loved me even if they didn't know how to tell me. That was fine. The feeling was mutual.

Ginny, what can I say about her? Utterly in awe of Harry for a while but, in the end, I wouldn't want anyone else with him. She's the only person who understood exactly what it was like to have a voice in your head; one so evil and manipulative that the only thing you want is to end the madness. Ginny almost lost her life but Harry saved her. But in the end, neither could be saved.

Now His voice resides in my head. Now He taunts me day and night, hour after hour. One day His voice will disappear. But by then, I probably won't be around to hear it anyway. That'll piss him off.

So, until that day, I'll sit-waiting, and wondering if they'll look the same as they did at their happiest. I'd love to see a smile on all their faces.

It makes me smile now to think they're okay on the other side.

I'm sure Harry was happy to meet his parents and see Sirius again. I wonder if he's as outrageous as he was while alive.

Sometimes I think I hear them laughing…maybe even see their faces, watching and waiting either for me to pass in my sleep or for one of the many dark wizards watching me do me in. It'll be one way or the other, sooner or later.

I hope sooner and I don't care how I go…just…soon.

Two weeks have passed since I wrote this and it saddens me to know that what I've described of the people I loved the most doesn't even begin to cover what they meant to me. But in a way, I'm happy. I smile more. Smiles can be deceiving. I'm smiling because They are here. They are waiting for me.

I smile more because now, it won't be long. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe not for some time…but soon. I know it. And when I go, it'll be the happiest day of my life and there will be a big smile on my face. They'll wonder what I died thinking about. Maybe they'll find this diary that has only two entries.

No, I think I'll leave them wondering what I was writing about. I'll use my last bit of magic to hide it. Then one day, when that magic has faded, someone will find it and they will ask questions. I just hope that with this near empty diary, parts of the puzzle will fall into place.

Someone once told me that all of history is incomplete. The version we know was most likely written by the victors. All of life is a war and the victor writes the history books. Not one tells all the sides of the story. So here is my piece of history. In a few years, maybe no one will remember me or may have never heard of me. But whoever finds this, finds a part of me that disappeared in the sea of destruction of the last war lost.

I'm not insane, no matter what they say. I'm just fading away until history forgets me.

On second thought, I'm already forgotten.


End file.
